Thursday, January 11, 2007
I spent the darkest times of my life along. sometimes when you just go around your daily stuff, you dont get through yourself, just through this few Days, so much happened, yet i have not been able to absorb it all. Constant Scolding from my mum just didn have to pile onto it. The great pain of having to let go on something you love yet you know will not last... Regrets and sadness. What takes one more turn in and out around my life. Now i'm thinking about how i wish i could go back just for one more day. But it all meant good for both of us. Nevertheless, the dark night of 10Jan 2007 wont make its way out of my life so soon. Have anyone thought of suicide before? surprisingly, i have not even under everything now... i lost the drive to live on but i dont get the kick to die yet, so i am just stuck some way in between, a wanderer of my own valley, torments be around me, angst be floating above me... I see no goal, i feel no accelration, and i cant find the pedal...
What took me on was just the gentle breeze, which is ever diminishing, the once crowded valley now empties with few... some walk past me saying Hello and no more, some take a short chat with me, others turn towards me and probes insensitively, minority of the few, take a shout through the valley, hoping to find me, but i could not answer the call, Yet i feel that tide inside me, sometimes i overflow, sometimes i empty... One took a path straight to my heart, but nvr stayed, entered and left, leaving behind a cowed and fearful soul, with all the doors shut tighter, afraid of more pain. So many people appeared as saviours to my state, yet they tricked me, they illusionised me, each time they disappear from my life, my weary heart grows weaker and cowardly, less trusting and close my door tighter... someday it will be too tight to ever be opened. What trusted me in this was nothing, so nothings gona bring me out, as i walk the endless valley, i see none but shadows of those who passed, i drink my own tears, eat my own sorrows. Belonging to my non existence control is what i could not see, hear taste nor touch. But it tells me to wander on, my heavy footsteps, my bottled up emotions, when i release them, the valley would be gone, so would i, but so would everyone else around, community of power, hungary gormet and evovling character... i dont see the point of being a Gary nerville or some other guy... but taking all through this, being there was enough, but yet...
Who reads my laments? Who hear my yells of pain... Day after Day i control, i hold out, i appear as a happy guy to those who pass by my valley, i wander through all, to hope of finding a rest... peace and happiness, i feel like when a blind man gets lost but someone tugs at the other end of your walking stick... leads you and chats with you, talk your heart out and suddenly, you just feel the other end fall to the ground again...You know the reasons yet, you cant help being Angry...
During the Lantern festival, my valley brightens up with a glow of red, people arrive on their majestic dress codes and fancy wears, you watch them stare at you with shaggy clothing, you dont feel ashamed... but you seem more pitiful of what was nvr there. when the night is over, Dawn deprives all the people, Red paper scraps litter the valley grounds. What more to expect other than emptiness at such points. some stuff never lasted...
Then came the monsoons, my valley floods with rain day after day, few threads through the thick murky waters, playful kids take turns to feel up their fish tanks, being drenched was not meant to be a beaten surface, but a harder outer rim of justice in prevailation... Its The Rain that brings warmth, for it is hard cold and frank, A straight shot of water from the skies, realisation of fact that what is meant to be done is already done. The roads get tougher, the water grows higher, but as i wander on, the way turns blurrer but yet i see a faint shade of black in the distance.
Who Hear my Laments? Who see this Line of my tale? My life was a one word story, yet being born means you got a reason here, The doors of my heart slammed shut on 10th Jan 2007 i dont expect anyone along the way to open them anymore, but i am keeping my fingers crossed, that no one comes knocking on it no more, as i undertake the rest of this vague valley, my goals seem distant and radiant... but i know it wasnt there, my acceleration is behind me but it nvr caught up, my pedal was out of reach of my foot and the designer nvr bothered, Yet my handgear was in grasp, but it was already rusty from years of toil... My legs are still carrying me but God knows how far more... and God knows when i might just drop along the way of my valley... I see vultures but i have no will left to defy them, somethings are just inevitable.
& more clueless fears.
3:54 AM
